Room/Space to Learn

I have always said that I don't understand the word 'forgiveness'. I have always found the term quite ambiguous. What does it mean to forgive? Why is forgiveness necessary and who is it for? Who does it serve and ultimately what does this word mean to me? How does it play itself in my world and in my interactions with different people?

The first time I really thought about forgiveness was when someone asked me whether I had forgiven the person that abused me. I wanted to be honest and somehow in my reflection at that time, I just couldn't come up with an answer that made sense. When you are a survivor of violence speaking in public, people in many ways expect two personas from you: a broken victim to be pitied or an inspiring survivor to motivate them. There is no in between. You are not allowed to be angry or reflective or even honest about the process it takes to heal. In many ways, your story is always seen as a tool to inspire people or for people to learn. When I said, I didn't know whether I had forgiven my abuser, the interviewer questioned whether the fact that I hadn't dealt with forgiveness, meant that I had not healed from the experience. My response was the same, I don't know. This was an early encounter and my response right now to the last question would be my healing is not dependent on whether I forgive my abuser or not.

I realised that the reason I could not think about forgiveness was because for me forgiveness is closely related to accountability. For me, forgiveness is not about saying I am sorry. It’s about me understanding why I am sorry and when I don't there is no need to say it. Forgiveness is about me asking how I can make it right and allowing the person hurt to say what will make it better. I have never had that in regard to my story and so I can't talk about forgiveness, but I don't think that process has any effect in my process of healing. I just think it’s what it is.

Forgiveness and accountability are even harder when the people that hurt you are people that are close to you. We have high expectations from the people that we love and defining ways accountability looks like in our close relationships is part of having healthy relationships. The last few months, my relationships have been tested. The people you love, will hurt you and you will hurt the people you love despite how well intended we might be.

Recently, I have been reflecting on this and the activism happening around me. I have questioned decisions I have made and questioned the issue of accountability within movements. I have questioned what accountability looks like now and what I want it to be. One of the things that have inspired me, has been people that have kept reminding me that beyond knowing that we are in a fight, we need to imagine what we want. We need to intentionally be a reflection of what we want. It’s important for us even as we call out people for being wrong and as we identify we have been hurt and oppressed to have a blueprint for accountability. How do we want people to make it right? Is it possible for people to make it right when they hurt us? Do we believe that people who have been wrong can learn?

This is not me advocating for me victims to be responsible for teaching but saying that there has to be room for people to learn in our activism. As those that have been wronged or oppressed, we have to find language to articulate what accountability looks like. As those that have been oppressed, we have to imagine, dream and even model what freedom looks like otherwise we will become oppressors once we are done fighting our oppressors.

What does forgiveness mean to you?

What does accountability look like?

Define it. When possible, model it.