Being my Parents' Daughter - Thoughts from my Journal

I grew up in a home where values were important. The family came first, and we protected each other because most of the time, we only had each other. It's in my home that I learned how to have healthy relationships. My parents tried the best they could to model healthy relationships to us. They still do.

My father and mother love each other. I have never seen them openly show affection to each other, but no one can doubt their commitment to each other. There's has always been a beautiful friendship and enduring love between them. They just fit while being complete opposite personalities. I have always wanted to have what they have because they are friends who built a home and a family together. When I think of love, I think of how each morning I would hear my parents talk to each other and laugh. That's was my first encounter with love, that when you loved, you spoke, and you laughed with each other. You could always tell they enjoyed each other's company. They shared this with us and to date, talking to my siblings remains one of my favourite things to do and its because my parents showed us that. They showed us that listening and talking and laughing is love. They taught us that valuing people is spending time with them. Our house has always been a house of laughter and debate even when we went through the most challenging times.

They also taught us that love was showing up. It was being present during difficult times. It was the quiet, full and complete knowledge that you were never alone. I have always known that I wasn't alone. I saw my mother stay with my father during his most difficult times. I have had the pleasure of seeing my father as the sole breadwinner in my family and also see my mother take that role entirely when my father couldn't do it. They taught us that love was commitment. It was waking up every day and reminding someone that you were there.

I have an interesting relationship with honesty. I get into trouble a lot for being too honest or being the person that has to say that the emperor has no clothes. I got this from my parents. They taught us that love is truth. If you love me, you will tell me the truth and for me a good indicator that our relationship is over, is when I stop being able to tell you the truth. Its telling loved ones painful truths and knowing that they will understand because they know you are using a lens of love and the motivation is to heal not hurt. In my home, I was criticised, I was laughed at, but I was also appreciated and accepted. I have always known that when I go home, I face the truth of who I am, but I am still accepted. Those who know me, know that I have an issue with people demanding respect, and I am honest with feedback regardless of position, this is something my parents encouraged. In my home, my parents face the same rules for criticism that all of us do. Respect should never be a function of authority but of character.

As someone with such a heritage navigating relationships can be difficult because of the expectations I have. I think without knowing it, I am always trying to recreate my home, and that is not possible. It's also dangerous because not every space is safe, not every space is home and not every space is mine to make home.

This year has been quite difficult for me as far as relationships go. I have had to face some deep betrayals that have made me question the way I approach relationships in general. When COVID19 started, one of the things that I knew for sure was that loss was something that I had to embrace. What I did not know is that I had to question almost every relationship that I have had, and it has been gruelling. It's been exhausting defining boundaries, it is painful establishing boundaries because one of the things that this pandemic did is simply show that everything is connected and compartmentalising things has not been easy.

This year , I have had to question my values. I have had to defend my values and that has not always been easy. The most important thing has been learning that I should not allow circumstances around me to change the essence of who I am. I am always going to be the daughter of Alice and Samuel, and the values I have are not going to change anytime soon.

When I started writing this, the goal wasn't to celebrate my parents, but that is what I ended up doing. Every single day I recognise that I am more like parents and couldn't be prouder because my parents represent the best parts of me. My parents taught me that values are only meaningful when they are lived. The biggest lesson I have learned these past few months has been: Love is a verb, appreciate is a verb, value is a verb and just singing about them or saying them is not enough when corresponding actions are not applied to these verbs. When corresponding actions are not applied, in most cases the opposite is true. I am so glad I learned this lesson at home because of the parents I have.