What I learned in 2020

Today is the last day, of the first month of 2021 and I think it might be the last day I am allowed to still be caught up by the events of 2020. One of the things I know about myself is that I am not disciplined enough to keep new year resolutions, I am not even disciplined enough to do the year compass. I genuinely want to, but I just haven't been able to do it. I am also growing old so fast and I feel like hoping that I will do it at some point in the near future is an exercise in futility.

However, I feel like I am great at coming up with lists and I wanted to write down a list of things I learned in 2020 and the things that I look forward to in 2021.

Lesson One - Personal

I only have the time I have now and the people I hold close.

The pandemic has brought a lot of things into perspective and one of the things that it made all of us question including me, is the question of what is essential/ What is really important? My partner fell ill during the pandemic. The pain of watching him fall sick and struggle to recover when we were and still are living through a time where all the tools, he needs to recover are unavailable was nerve wrecking. Taking care of him, looking around for support and really seeing how fragile life is and how little time we have was a turning point. I have developed a great sense of respect for anyone who is a care giver to someone they love. Watching the ones, we love suffer is undoubtedly one of the 1000 ways to die but it was also great to see my community love and embrace me.

I am trying to live more intentionally. Choosing those that choose me. Appreciating those that have loved me over the years and being more intentional about how I choose to spend my time because it is all that I have, realistically.  I also have the gift of the people that love me. My family, my friends who see me in ways that sometimes shocks me. Loving and being loved back for who we are is really undervalued in our current world but it’s the true gift that we have.

Lesson Two - Professional

Stop shrinking to fit in places I have outgrown

I joined the counter-trafficking movement in 2014 and have worked for the same organization for the past seven years. They have been wonderful years of learning, experimenting and truly testing theories. I am a very practical person and working for a grassroot organization has given me the chance to be at the frontline of the movement and develop solutions when faced with crisis. Many people will agree that my star has been rising and navigating the movement as a survivor and practitioner is interesting. Half the time I have questioned my success and wondered whether it’s simply because people are fascinated by my story. Those that know me, know that I can overwork myself and maybe some of that stems from wanting to prove that I am not just a survivor.

I left HAART this year and its wasn't an easy decision, but it was mainly because I realized that I needed to grow and, in many ways, I was shrinking myself to fit into what HAART was and is at the moment. I realized that sooner rather than later, I would get into the way of the work that I have actively been building. I am so excited about the future. I am excited because anything that I receive now is based on my identity as both survivor and practitioner.

Lesson Three - Political

The power of community and movement building

Being an activist can really make you feel helpless. Being an activist in Kenya can be extremely lonely and it’s so easy to lose hope. It’s easy to lose hope because in many ways, the way we operate now, it almost feels like when we fail all is lost. It feels like the burden of activism is placed on the shoulder of a selected few that are martyrs for the cause. The rest of the people get to sit on the lines, clap and exclaim how heroic they are. I don't want to be a hero. I want to be part of a movement that envisions that all of us will live and enjoy the world that we are fighting for. I want to be part of a movement that envisions and plans for the world beyond the revolution and staying and keeping all of us alive seems like the bare minimum.

Activism cannot be the end by itself. I want to be part of a community where when I fail the agenda of liberation goes on without me.  2020 was the year, I learned that I did not want to be a hero. I wanted everyone to do their part so that I did not have to be a hero.